Fantastic
by Em Fargo
Summary: My entrance into Lolly's Testosterone Poisoning challenge. So called because it's been my fantasy since I was little. Well, different definitions of 'little'. Basically bizarre wish fulfillment. Rated T... just in case. One-shot. Did I leave anything out?


**Hey, gorgeous muffins. I would like to note that this entry into the Testosterone Poisoning challenge was Lolly's idea. Well, OK, it was my idea. But it was Lolly's idea to _use _my idea. The ending just came to me. Hopefully I will get there eventually.**

**Oh, post-Twilight, because I LIKED TWILIGHT. Well, Jesse-wise at least. Paul I like being… Paulish. You know what I mean.**

**Disclaimer: Obviously the person who wrote this mad fic is not the same genius who created Jesse, Paul, and Suze. That genius would be Meg Cabot, and this "genius" would be her biggest fan (just try to argue that), Emily.

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"Bye!" Suze called to Ceecee, watching her walk off with Adam. She had excused herself from the invitation to get a milkshake (ostensibly to tend to important matters) so that the scenario would be more date-like. Unfortunately, she was now in the uncomfortable position of being in the middle of downtown with nothing to do. Luckily, this wasn't New York, where she'd have been mugged by now (at _least_) just in the time it had taken to wonder where to go. Confident in the fact that she was in no comparative danger here, she looked around.

The alarm bells that would normally have gone off when she realized she was being followed sounded. A face in the crowd. She turned in the opposite direction. Maybe he wouldn't notice her. Not that she was scared of him, or anything. She just didn't feel like doing this right now. She began walking in the opposite direction and ducked into the nearest store. Not because she wanted to avoid him _that_ badly. Just because she might see something she liked. She looked around. There was a sort of cute shirt, she supposed. She took it off the rack and held it up to herself. It was about 20 sizes too big.

"I suppose you think you're funny?" said a woman's voice behind her. Suze turned around in surprise. A clerk stood behind her, a heavyset woman. She looked around. All the women were on the overweight side. She glanced at a bag someone was carrying. "Two Sisters," it said. Suze suddenly recalled the rest of the name. "Women's Plus Size Clothing." And there she was holding a shirt up to herself. The entire store was giving her dirty looks. She muttered something and ran out of the store, mortified.

She almost tripped when a hand grabbed her arm, her momentum continuing to move her although she had been effectively halted. She heard the laugh that was attached to the hand. _Crap_.

"Did you walk all the way in there just to avoid little old me?" he asked.

"Don't flatter yourself, Paul," she replied coldly. Of course, it was true.

"I've actually been thinking about you lately," he informed her.

"Lucky me," Suze retorted.

"Aren't you going to ask me what I've been thinking?"

"Actually, someone's calling me. Over there." She tried to break away from the grip that was still holding her.

He stepped closer to her. Her heart pounded, from fear and that nagging feeling that he was attracted to her, and that taken as she was, Paul was not ugly. He put his head up close to her face and whispered, "I've been thinking how to incapacitate you. And I think I've come up with a foolproof maneuver, but I'd like to try it out."

He stepped toward her. Suze stepped back. Laughing, he stepped closer. Suze hit the wall behind her. "Perfect," he smiled. He pressed her against the wall.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Suze asked bravely. He just smiled and took both of her wrists in his hands, raising them over her head. Before she'd had time to respond, he slipped a knee between her legs and raised it until her feet had left the ground. She tried to get his hands off of her arms, but his grasp was too strong. She tried to kick, hurt him in some way, but her feet were left flailing in air. "OK," she conceded grudgingly. "You've incapacitated me. Ha ha. Now let me go."

"Not yet," he whispered into her ear. "The point of this is to release you from any responsibility for the events about to occur. I figure if you don't feel guilty, you'll let me have my way with you."

Suze went cold. Was he about to… "Don't you even—" she began, but soon she couldn't even speak for the lips pressed over hers. She felt a new emotion next to the fear. Anger. She was mad as hell. She flailed her arms, but they didn't even budge. She kicked her legs, but soon discovered that the only effect of this was to bounce her up and down on his knee, which made him laugh because he was hitting a particularly uncomfortable area. She soon stopped this futile effort. What could she do? Comfortable with the situation, he put both of her wrists in one of his hands and began moving the other across her back. And there was absolutely nothing she could do about it.

She gave in. She didn't kiss him back, but she didn't fight him, either. What was the use? She surrendered. Her mind felt helpless, but her body had different ideas. The traitorous thing was thoroughly enjoying this. And for once, there really was no guilt. But what would Jesse think, if he were here? _Jesse_.

"What's going on?" came the voice of the one person Suze would most want to see at literally any moment but this one. What were the chances he'd be _here_? In downtown Carmel in front of "Two Sisters"?

When Paul finally pulled his mouth away from hers, still holding her suspended in the air, the first thing she thought of to say was, "Jesse! What are you doing here?"

"You called me," he informed her through gritted teeth. "Was this what you wanted me to see?"

"I—no! Suze pleaded, uncomfortably aware of her arms still being held over her head. Paul knew perfectly well that if he let them down, she'd push him off of her with enough force to kill a Jaguar. And that's the _car_, not the animal. "Will you put me down!?" Paul just smiled. "Jesse, this isn't cheating, it's sexual ass—" At this point she was interrupted by Paul's lips on hers once again. Oh no, he hadn't just done that. Not in front of Jesse. She commenced flailing again, bouncing or no bouncing. There was a whole new aspect: Jesse was watching. This could not go on. And it didn't. Not for more than a second, anyway. That's when Suze found herself back on the ground with a slight bump to the head from the wall. Jesse had pulled Paul hard in the other direction and was currently taking a swing at the still-laughing assaulter, who dodged, grabbing Jesse's fist.

"Let's settle this like men," Paul suggested. "No punches. Just wrestling."

"Wrestling?"

"Yeah, it's a real lady-pleaser. And that's what this is about, right?"

Jesse shrugged. "Right here?"

"Nah, this isn't the venue I was picturing. Follow me."

He led Jesse down an ally leading to a beach. On the shore was a giant bowl of chocolate, surrounded by excited teenagers, generally of the feminine variety. "In here."

Jesse's brow furrowed. "I'm supposed to get in there?"

Paul laughed derisively. "Well, not wearing that, you're not." He held up what to Jesse appeared to be an oddly shaped bit of cloth. "Suit up."

Jesse held the piece of cloth up. It had three holes in it and looked to be about the size of a hat. "What is it?"

Paul rolled his eyes. "It's a Speedo." He indicated how it was used and went behind the chocolate to change. _After_ he was clothed (as clothed as expected, anyway), Jesse reluctantly did the same.

Paul gestured to Jesse to enter the bowl.

"You first, I think," Jesse evaded.

Grinning, Paul stepped in and promptly sunk to about knee level, although the bowl was clearly deep enough for him to go in down to his waist. Jesse hesitantly followed.

Suze was watching, interested despite her better judgment.

"Now what?" Jesse asked his adversary uncomfortably.

By way of an answer, Paul knocked him over, splatting him straight into the chocolate.

Jesse got himself upright, but only with considerable effort. "You neglected to tell me," he reminded Paul coldly, "that we'd started. Now if you'd just—"

He had nothing to say after this. Midway through the sentence he caught Slater off his guard and knocked him over. Paul responded by knocking him in the thigh. Jesse fell over with his shins still pointing straight up and the rest of him diagonal.

Paul slushed over to say to Jesse's ear, "You know, she wasn't fighting until you came in. Do you really think a girl like Suze could be satisfied with a guy like _you_?"

Jesse struggled out of his chocolatey captor and put Paul in a headlock. How _dare_ he say things like that? At his own leisure now, he asked "What do you mean 'a girl like Suze?'"

Slater considered and then grinned maliciously. "A whore." With his head against Jesse's bare chest, he could easily feel the heartbeat speed up, the grip around his neck tighten. He used the sudden opportunity to reverse their position. "And you're going crazy with jealousy because I've gotten farther with her than you have."

"You have _not_!" Jesse shouted, rolling over Paul and pinning him to the substance of pudding-like consistency.

"Oh? You've slept with her, too?"

Jesse knew the implication wasn't true. He _knew_. Susannah wouldn't… but all the same, the image was enough to drive him mad. He shoved Paul's head into the chocolate as if it were nothing but water, but less satisfying because he couldn't see his face.

He'd been under for about twenty seconds when Suze, at a loss for what to do but unwilling to let the fun turn into homicide, cried "Foul!" Jesse was startled enough that he loosened his grip on his victim, who burst out from under the chocolate taking gasping breaths.

"The drowning thing? _Again_?" Paul scoffed. "At least the hot tub was an appropriate setting."

Noticing that Jesse looked about to strangle him, Suze announced, "Game over. Jesse, come with me."

He obligingly waded out of the bowl and onto the beach toward Susannah, and asked her quietly, "Have you and Paul ever…"

"I don't know what you're asking, but if you didn't see it just now, the answer's no."

Jesse sighed in relief and moved to put his arm around her, stopping just in time. "I'm covered in chocolate."

"I can help you with that," Suze said, smiling mysteriously. She kissed him on the lips to give him an idea.

"Oh, will you save it!?" came an exasperated voice behind them.

"Shame you were wearing that Speedo," Suze noted, ignoring Paul.

"I know," Jesse sighed. "At least my normal clothes would've kept most of this off of me."

"That's not the direction I was going, actually," she murmured, just loudly enough for Paul to hear.

As a final jab before walking away, Paul threw sand at them. Some of it landed on Jesse's chocolicious body, anyway.

"Alright," he asked the crowd of now-giggling girls. "Who wants to go home with _me_?"

The mob that tried to come forward stepped back for Kelly Prescott, whom they all knew would win. There was a collective sigh.

"I think I'm just the one to—" she began, but the sentence ended in a shriek. A crouching girl had knocked her knees out from under her. The girl proceeded to drag a bewildered Paul away by a relatively clean part of his arm.

"I'm Emily," she informed him."

"Umm, Paul," he answered uncomfortably.

She grinned as if there was a joke he wasn't in on. "I _know_." She paused and looked him over. "I notice you're rather unevenly coated in a delicious-looking dessert treat. May I assist?"

"I… suppose…"

She rubbed his cheek with her finger and then licked it. Her finger, that is. She moaned happily. The stuff was Godiva-worthy.

He stared at her, incredulous. "I think you're supposed to _lick_ it off?"

She looked shocked. "What are you, a pedophile?"

"A pedophile?" he groaned. "How old are you."

She began to answer and then stopped. "I'm… seventeen…" she realized. I suppose I'm old enough to date you now!" She grinned and then, with a look of concentration, licked his shoulder. Her nose crinkled in distaste. "Tastes like skin."

Paul shook his head, not believing this.

"Don't worry," Emily hastened to assure him, "I'm sure we can still have a meaningful physical relationship. I mean, I don't find many men attractive, but you're clearly ridiculously hot."

"And me?" he asked dryly.

"Well, you'll take anything that moves."

His jaw dropped. "What the hell makes you think I have low standards?"

"Easy. You made out with Kelly Prescott. If she were any dumber, they'd actually use her to build houses. And don't even get me started on _her_." She gestured toward Suze. "Most likely to dismember someone? _Really_? Well _I'm_ most likely to succeed. Trust me, you've traded up. Now then, let's get that chocolate off in the ocean. I promise I won't hold your head under… long."

And so Jesse ends up with the Queen of the Night People and Paul snags the Queen of the Nerds.

Jesse won the battle, but Paul _so_ won the war.

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**A/N: That took forever. I don't know what the hell the first bit was. I'd do a shameless plug here, but I'm actually quite ashamed of my other stories. So shameful plug. Whether you liked or disliked this story will have very little effect on whether you like Dr. Suze 10 years in the future. So here goes: If you like M rated fics by psychos written when they were too young to read _T_ rated fics, with cute, funny bits at the beginning culminating in horrible sadistic preteenism, with a happy ending… read it.**


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